Right SO!

alright the new blog is mostly all set up. You don't need to be a member, so make with the comments!

http://backintothiscircle.blogspot.com

Enough with the spammers on my blog, PLEASE!

All right. Seeing as no-one reads this blog anymore, I have decided to start another one.My new blog will be free from the past that I enjoyed, but that some people are just not worth dragging around or mentioning.

A new blog for a fresh start.

Yes, a fresh start has started to happen, but it will be a continuing, progressing change. I am slowly starting to learn how to be my own best friend, and how detrimental my comments against myself are. And how bloody annoying it is to anyone around me! I don’t like doing it, and so I have started to take measures against the behaviour that I need to change.
In doing so, I have successfully managed to alienate at least 5 people that were close to me at one time or another, before I started this whole hermit business. I will never have the same relationship with one of the most important people in my life, and that’s why I needed to start this whole process. I had no choice. It’s the only way that I will ever be able to reconnect with this person…..hopefully. Lord knows that I would have shut Paul out of my life, except the lucky prick (ha) gets to share an apartment with me. Which of course I am sure that he is thrilled as he is ranched.

So to you Katherine, Crys, Kirsten, Wendy, and Mackenzie: I apologize. Please know that I never did this to spite you or to hurt or ignore you, but I just had to chill the F out for a bit. It’s been over a month, and I am starting to feel a bit better about myself. I have made some lifestyle changes that I think are aiding me, and hopefully I can keep these up without creating tension (read: MORE tension) in my already dwindling relationships.
I now know, through experience and soul-baring conversations with my gurus (Joy and Bryce), what I need and how to start going about getting it.
I need time
I need space
I need people
I need peace
I need release
I need focus
I need energy
I need love
for myself.
Not all of these things happen at once, but I know that I have to start being vocal about some issues, and to relay to people that it’s not about them, it’s just how I am dealing with what I am going through at the moment and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am optimistic, and I have a feeling that things will get better very soon (hopefully!!)

Here comes the shocker: in starting my journey of self-discovery (that I will continue well into my 30’s, I imagine!) there was this boy that I was sure was not going to ever become a permanent fixture in my life. Well, apparently I was wrong. This man is resilient, that’s for sure. He actually wants to help me with what I’m going through, which scares the crap out of me. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?
About a week and a half before my birthday, I was at Bryce’s house for Meagan Quinn’s going away party. I had a frikken BLAST (read: was intoxicated) and I spotted a cute boy, and so I shamelessly flirted. We talked for a bit at the party and he asked me for my number.
I never thought he was going to call.
He lived in Hamilton.
It had been a week.
But then on Friday,
as I was just home from an afternoon at Bryce’s,
I received a phone call.
Having asked for my email address, I was pleased!
Until I didn’t get an email from him.
In fact, I didn’t really think about it that much, as I was focusing on not being negative, and starting to work out and keep a food journal.
He calls me a week later, asking if I ever got the email.
No, I hadn’t
Well he had the wrong email address, and so he sent the email again.
He was going to be in town that evening and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. I had Iraj’s birthday that night, so I suggested the next day.
We spent the day together, had another date the following week (after another very nice email from him) and then the week after that I went to Hamilton to see him.
And his band.
Ryan is a bassist with a Hamilton band called dodger. They are a clash of hard rock and reggae, and they are really, really good.
He challenges me intellectually, and he is the sweetest guy that I have ever met. This man is a gem, and I constantly wonder why he chose me, after six years of not having interest in anyone else.

No, he’s not gay. Thank GOD.

But this is why my life is still not completely right, but not totally in chaos: I still struggle with my feelings of self-loathing, so how can someone fall for me when I’m starting to come out of this state? Has the stench of desperation been masked by hope?

No, he doesn’t know about my last ‘boyfriend’. I shutter to think that I ever called Ciaran that. I know it must be horrible of me to say, but honestly: if you ever met him, you must have asked yourself what I was thinking! These (you have to scroll up from the comments) are the things that I look for in a mate. Ciaran was none of those things. I’m glad that he was in my life, don’t get me wrong, but it’s as though I was dating him out of boredom. Because I had nothing better to do with my life, and I was simply passing the time with this bad-kisser of an activity. I’m glad that our ‘relationship’ didn’t go far, and that it wasn’t serious at all. He taught me a lot about myself and what I need from another person in a relationship, and even though I had warbled about how I liked him and how he was sweet, etc. no one that I have ever met compares to Ryan. Not Paul (not Rivait; Frederick), not Duff (although Duff will always be my first love……but what you feel when you’re 16 and 18 is not what you feel when you’re 24 and 28).

Enough about Ryan. I’m sure that you’re sick of hearing about him already. I just needed to relay what had been going on in my life, and hopefully will continue to be a positive influence on me as I keep on my journey to self-acceptance.

*smiles*

This weekend? Well, you’ll have to read my new blog for that one.

http://backintothiscircle.blogspot.com/

I love coming to windsor

all my friends have the internet!!!

ok i gotta go moon is calling me
apparently moon says hi

more on this weekend later. can't believe i'm still not hungover...

Massive update coming either this weekend or early next week!!

promise.

in the meantime, please enjoy the following....Lord knows that I do.

I never thought
I could be
who I am
I never thought
I could see
where I was
I always thought
all this was
just wasn’t me
I always thought
all this was
could never be




...I always thought I’d wait here for you...

Show me how pretty the world is....

Cuz you're brilliant when you try

24 years and one month old....

I feel like a monkey.
or a dog.

I am restless,
like I know that something
is going to happen
and I can do nothing
but wait
and wonder
and wander
because I can’t stay still.

Work is going by
so
slowly
it’s
killing
me

I am going to attempt
to write out
a “TO DO” list
for when I get home
this evening.
I’m not sure
if it will be
accomplished,
but we’ll see.

I am suffering
from severe
disillusionment
today,
and it is merely 10:45am.
I wanted
to sleep
forever
this morning,
maybe that’s the problem.
Maybe it’s because I know
that Erin might be
coming over tonight,
or that I’m expecting someone
to phone me.

I am absolutely
restless.

Someone brought me
a Tim Horton’s coffee
this morning.
I pawned it off
on Louis;
as if I
need
the caffeine
when I
feel
this way!
I’m going to try
to ignore this feeling
for the rest of the day,
or at least until Paul
gets to work
so that we can email each other.

This
is
ridiculous.

It feels as though
my heart
is beating a mile a minute
but my pulse
is just it’s
regular
self.

I’m not happy,
I’m not sad,
I’m just anxious.

But
……
for what?

Thank you, Daniel Bedingfield

Is it fair to write a song
to a woman?
Is it fair to play a try
to win her heart?
Is it right to bring her sonnets
in the morning time
to express the first few longings
when they start?

Is it right to let her feelings
rise to catch you?
Is it ok when her heart
begins to fall?
Would you blame me
if I wrapped my words around you?
Would I wrong you to say anything
at all?

But if I wrap my words around you
wrap my words around you
if I wrap my words around you
would you stay, would you stay?
If I wrap my words around you
wrap my words around you
if I wrap my words around you
would you stay?
Would it play
with your heart?

Am I a hunter
if I sample words to please you?
Am I a cad
if I mean everything I say?
Should I even let you know
this song’s about you, girl
just because I want to
see you smile today?

And my words
they bind into me
much too tightly
You may joke upon them
if we fall apart
It’s not fair to write a song
to a woman, no
Because a woman
takes a song into her heart